Urinal Etiquette
I give you this little article because it appears some of you fools haven't got the balls to piss in front of other people in bars and clubs. So here I go, my very own set of rules for taking a leak in a public toilet.
Rules:
1 - Toilets are best used as early as fucking possible, the later you go, the more fucked people are, and you can bet they'll be using the toilet more.
2 - If a stall is free, always use it. The toilet will stink, be covered in vomit and shit, but at least you won't be surrounded by other people.
3 - The maximum time limit for urinal use is 1 minute. If you can't go, and feel that you may be about to exceed the time limit, then zip up, pretend that you have pissed already, and go back to the dance floor, or drinking area. Return in around 5 minutes.
4 - If a stall isn't free, use a urinal at least two away from the next person. The one closest to the wall is preferable. But leave at least one free urinal between you. Otherwise you'll either get a nasty look, or a smile. Either way it's bad fucking news.
5 - If there's no available urinals or stall, it's okay to be seen waiting. Just don't look too interested in other people. Don't smile, don't look like you're having a good time. Just wait. Quietly.
6 - If you're waiting, then already you're in your worst case scenario. So stay calm. Pray the first available urinal is near the wall (walls give you two directions to look in, and only one person next to you). If the first urinal is between two people, then you must remain calm and take your place. Relax and look at the wall ahead of you. Under no circumstance look left, or right, or down. If you can't go see Rule (3).
7 - If confronted with an alternate pattern of urinal-users, then you cannot be seen waiting, this would really make you look like a loser. Simply either do one of the following:
(a) Do your hair in the mirror, seem more interested in your hair than all other goings on around you. When someone finishes their business, take their urinal and use it.
(b) Pick the least threatening pair of urinal-users, and use the urinal in the middle. In this scenario, use the advice given in the latter half of Rule (6)
Conclusion: If you still can't face pissing with others around, then you're a pussy.
Rules:
1 - Toilets are best used as early as fucking possible, the later you go, the more fucked people are, and you can bet they'll be using the toilet more.
2 - If a stall is free, always use it. The toilet will stink, be covered in vomit and shit, but at least you won't be surrounded by other people.
3 - The maximum time limit for urinal use is 1 minute. If you can't go, and feel that you may be about to exceed the time limit, then zip up, pretend that you have pissed already, and go back to the dance floor, or drinking area. Return in around 5 minutes.
4 - If a stall isn't free, use a urinal at least two away from the next person. The one closest to the wall is preferable. But leave at least one free urinal between you. Otherwise you'll either get a nasty look, or a smile. Either way it's bad fucking news.
5 - If there's no available urinals or stall, it's okay to be seen waiting. Just don't look too interested in other people. Don't smile, don't look like you're having a good time. Just wait. Quietly.
6 - If you're waiting, then already you're in your worst case scenario. So stay calm. Pray the first available urinal is near the wall (walls give you two directions to look in, and only one person next to you). If the first urinal is between two people, then you must remain calm and take your place. Relax and look at the wall ahead of you. Under no circumstance look left, or right, or down. If you can't go see Rule (3).
7 - If confronted with an alternate pattern of urinal-users, then you cannot be seen waiting, this would really make you look like a loser. Simply either do one of the following:
(a) Do your hair in the mirror, seem more interested in your hair than all other goings on around you. When someone finishes their business, take their urinal and use it.
(b) Pick the least threatening pair of urinal-users, and use the urinal in the middle. In this scenario, use the advice given in the latter half of Rule (6)
Conclusion: If you still can't face pissing with others around, then you're a pussy.
posted by @jasonbjacobs at
10:15 AM
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